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Polar Vortex Expedition 2014

Somewhere in Southern Ontario, Canada

January 9 Year of our Lord 2014

0600 — I’ve decided to set out to do my first archaeological dig of 2014.   Having been schooled in the apocalyptic rantings teachings of Professor Al Gore, I am rather fearful of what awaits me, but I decide to go for it.

0610 — Found crew to accompany me.  Seems like a hardy bunch with some experience in adverse weather conditions.

0615 — Have set sail on the “SS Suzuki”.   The harbourmaster advises the name means “Great Fortune”.

0625 — Although we’re dressed heavily, an unfamiliar feeling descends upon us.  One of the crew members tells the group that this is what ‘cold’ feels like.  I’ll have to take his word for it as Professor Gore has assured us that the world will never feel that sensation again.

0705 — Looking out one of the portholes.  The conditions look miserable, but we are brave souls and I vow we will complete our mission.

exp 4

0720 — Crew is starting to grumble.  A mutiny may be in the works.

0735  —  We disembark into sub-zero temps and all around us are massive hills of some sort of foreign white flakes.  

exp 6

0800 — Have dismissed the crew upon finding out that they are remnants of the Chris Turney Antarctic Tour of December 2013.  Will have to muster the strength to carry on with the expedition alone.

0805 — Surveying the dig site.  Quite intimidated by what awaits me.

exped 1

0940 — Progress slow.  Constantly aware of the danger of an avalanche from overhead.  Careful to not make any sudden sounds.

exp 2

0950 — Interesting stuff, these white flakes.  Not heavy like clay or sand.  Easy enough to dig through.

0955 — Have reached a step leading to a dwelling.  Looks to be from the pre-McGuintian era, circa 1990.

exp 3

1005 — Rations running low.  I can’t help but wonder if there is a Burger King in the area that delivers, but I dismiss those thoughts as the typical starvation ramblings of the early Arctic explorers.

1010 — Second step uncovered.  Excitement building.  Is this how Frobisher felt on his search for a Northwest Passage?

exp 5

1015 — I pause for a moment during the dig to observe local wildlife.  Wonder what local wildlife would taste like with McDonald’s special sauce.

pgcottontailin snow

1030 —  Hunger growing.  I cast a quick glance up and down the street in the hopes of seeing Kathleen Wynne coming along with a food basket, but alas, she’s not to be seen.  Then I remember that we aren’t in the right area code.  Ah well.

1035 —  Last step uncovered.  The end is in sight.  No significant artifacts found as yet.

exp 7

1040 — Success.  Quite proud for reaching the gateway to the inner sanctum.  What treasures await behind that door?  Or will I be greeted by a horde of cannibals?


1045 — Have entered the dwelling and not been accosted by a horde of cannibals. Decide to make a cup of tea while I muse about now being amongst the great explorers….Drake, Cook, Amundsen.  *smile*   Ooops.  Judge Judy’s on.


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